Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalms 91:1-2

I love the reassurance and encouragement of Psalm 91. But recently I had to ask my heart this question: Do I really trust God no matter what?

Of course, it’s easier to trust him when things are going well, when we get what we’re hoping for, and when it feels like we are in control. But isn’t it often harder to trust him when everything is changing and next steps are unclear? That’s where I’ve been lately, and I bet some of you have, too.

Psalms 91:1-2 was the guiding scripture for a writers/speakers’ conference that I attended last month. “Anchored in His Presence” was the theme.Oh, how I wanted to feel anchored in him, but I was struggling as the trip got closer. I hadn’t really planned on going to this conference. I’m rarely comfortable with last-minute decisions. Was I making a mistake going so far away from home?

And when I got there, I was even more unsettled. I looked around the fancy conference room where everyone was so sure of God and praying about everything, and I nervously and silently wondered if God was really listening to our prayers. And even if he was, would he really answer?

“Doubt creeps up sometimes. It’s normal,” I reminded myself. “But here with all these faith-filled women who write, speak, teach, and pray with such confidence? Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”

Turns out, the St. Charles Convention Center was exactly where I needed to be for this time of experiencing more questions than answers. God, in his amazingly personal ways, came close and gave me what I needed. He gently cleared up the clouds of doubt and discouragement through the messages, the beautiful times of worship, and especially in prayers and conversations with women who know him well.

In big and little ways, God kindly showed me that he is worthy of my trust. He also reminded me that this walk of faith is taken by all of us one-step-at-a-time. He showed me the steps he had already shadowed me through:

Step 1–With a huge lack of confidence, I had entered Where Is Sheep 100? into the conference’s book contest two months before.

(Shortly after that, I found out that I was a finalist.)

Step 2–With high anxiety about traveling alone and worrying that I knew no one at the conference, I registered.

(Friends and family were encouraging. “How exciting! You’ll have fun!” they said.)

Step 3—I got on the plane, took the Uber, and checked in to the hotel room by myself.

(The first person I ran into? My long-admired writer friend Grace who graciously offered to help me navigate this conference as a first-timer. Later I recognized two more friends—Athena and Carol from Redemption Press in the lobby. And then Angie—another dear friend–said she would drive two hours to spend an afternoon in St. Charles with me.)

As the conference went on, God continued to take every step with me. He helped me easily get to know several new friends who love him. He gave me peaceful morning walks through quaint neighborhoods with ponds and churches and pretty flowers. He reassured me through the prayer team that he knows the next steps for me—even when I do not. He cleared my mind to record interviews with radio hosts when just the thought of doing that made my heart race. And then—the sweetest surprise–2^nd place for my first picture book at the awards banquet! I know he was smiling as I literally jumped up with shock and joy!

I was gone for almost a week. Day by day, hour by hour, God faithfully showed up. It was like my refuge and my fortress was taking shape right before my doubting eyes. In so many creative ways, he was sheltering me, giving me rest and delight in the midst of my uncertainty.

I learned something much more important than writing and marketing at this conference (although there was plenty of good instruction). I learned that I really do trust him. Even if I have to do this trusting thing one step at a time.  

I learned that being anchored in his presence means that he is right beside us even when we feel like we are untethered. Even when we are nervous. Even when we feel like we don’t deserve it.

I learned that living in his refuge and fortress of safety doesn’t mean that everything is always going to work out smoothly or that we will win all the contests we enter. It doesn’t mean we will never doubt ourselves or his goodness.

It means that we can take risks because he is closer than we know, and he holds onto us much more securely than we could ever hold onto him. His shadow brings us rest and strength along each step of this journey we are walking.

I’m so grateful that he took me to this conference that I wasn’t planning on. I’m grateful for new friends, for more confidence, and for exciting opportunities ahead. But mostly, I’m grateful for his faithful love, his constant presence, and for his kind surprises.

Maybe that’s why I sign most copies of Where Is Sheep 100? with this line:

“You can always COUNT on Jesus.”

Because yes, I really do believe that is true.